Peace!
*Spoilers Alert*
Is it still socially acceptable to be making fun of Keanu Reeves movies? I know they have been overdone slightly in the past but I couldn't quite pass up the opportunity to sink my teeth into this beautiful hot mess of a motion picture.
I appreciate Keanu Reeves as the down-to-earth celebrity that he is: he takes his work seriously, taking serious pay cuts so that other actors can be hired and donating millions to charity but mainly because:
Look at him, with his plastic bags and his sandwich all alone...
It's O.K. Keanu Reeves, you don't have to feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind. wanting to start again!
So now that I got that out of my system...
I have to painfully confess that even though I had heard sooooooooooo many bad reviews about this movie that I was genuinely really, really, really optimistic about it. But noooo, Hollywood has to go out of it's way to disappoint little ol' Nikkipek, time and time again... It's a historical drama! You have to really go out of your frickin' way to get ME not to like a historical drama... I live for them... I breathe them...
I am GROOT! I mean I am a historical drama... or maybe just drama...
Yes, I am a hot mess piece of drama and I like it because I am still a bigger success story than this movie! (If only by a tiny, tiny fraction...)
So anyways, I liked the trailer and I was really looking forward to the movie until I actually started watching it. From the get-go, it is so AWKWARD!
So, so awkward... Your 90-year-old great-aunt with Alzheimer's starts peeing on all the customers at a fancy restaurant and thinks she's making it snow kind of awkward...
All of the actors look like they have a stick up their ass and are trying to ignore it. The dialogue and body language is stiff all the way through the movie and you can just feel that absolutely no one actually knows what they are doing the entire time.
I would like to mention before I go any further, that the film does have some redeeming qualities: for starters the film isn't THAT bad... It's a good time filler. If you don't want to get emotionally and mentally involved in a story but want some time-wasting action, then you would probably enjoy it. The costumes and set designs are really pretty and I have already sent my marriage proposal to C.G.I. guy. T.T CGI senpai, suki da... There were also a couple of transitions that I think are worth mentioning, like the transition we see when the witch transforms from a fox into a human and I did enjoy most of the scenes where we see her use her magic mainly because of the effects. I did really like her floating dress scene and her death scene when we followed her transforming dragon body to her dress and then her face. So plus points for those details but a donkey is still a donkey even if you put make-up and a golden saddle on it!
The characters begin with one trait and then move onto another one and the script calls this character development. From the get-go characters are divided between those who like Kai and those who don't and then when the plot demands it, everyone goes through some sense of character development and like/sort of like/now sort of tolerate Kai and are willing to work with him to save the day.
We start the movie with a brief explanation of where we are, what a Ronin is and oh, by the way there is magic and then we are introduced to the young Kai who is saved from being killed by the gracious Lord of AAKKUU.
Yes, we did Jack but it's not the Aku you're looking for sorry but you still look good in those heels!
It is shortly after Kai is saved that we stumble upon one of the most painful parts of this movie.
Dat romance...
Kai and Mika (The Lord of AAAKKUUU's daughter) are in love but I'm not sure if I entirely understand it. Apparently I've been doing it wrong my entire life - you see, when you love someone you are supposed to show them a branch and call it a deer, steal one of their hair accessories and then not talk to them for like ten years. Who'd a thought, right?
Well you might be happy to sit back and believe that this is what love is supposed to be but I will simply not have it... Kai that is quite obviously a branch, now stop spreading lies with such conviction - that's the feminists' job and you are stealing their limelight!
Another thing I really, really don't understand is that they believe that Kai was brought up in a forest by demons and that they trained him to kill and be all super ninja or whatever but they only use him to track this deer-rhino-scorpion monster thingy instead of actually using his superpowers to kill it. If Kai was such an outsider, shouldn't they have used his demon training to kill the monster instead of leaving him behind and loosing loads of their own men?
But they couldn't do that because that way, we wouldn't be able to see that nobody likes him and that everybody acts like a dick towards him. No Kai, you are not a superhero; you're a branch.
Meanwhile back at AKU, Kai realizes there is a witch disguised as a concubine and runs straight to tell the head samurai Oishi. In a time of mystical beings you would have thought that the idea of a witch would have warranted at least a "not my job" response but then again we wouldn't have the opportunity to witness the fact that everyone is a dick. So before we go any further, I need to point out that everyone is a mythological dick, O.K.? Good, moving on... In other news, the Land of dicks is being invaded by the neighbouring City of Jerks who have allied with the formidable Assholes and have all agreed to make Keanu Reeves' life a living hell. But they shall not have him... I will defend little Keanu against all evil and lay down my life to protect my master's honour so he may rest easy.
And in entirely unrelated news, I now have a restraining order...
Moving on...
SUDDENLY THERE IS DUELING BECAUSE OF REASONS!
Yes, only a duel can save this train-wreck that is my life, I mean the movie, so bring it on!
Oh, this awesome samurai got bewitched, whatever shall we do? If only there were some really important people with a lot of power and influence nearby, like a Lord or an Emperor, that could help you track down this witch and save the day. Too bad, Kai, I guess you will have to put on his armour and fight that big guy so we can have some more action sequences.
Pop quiz: what is the main differences between Asian facial features and Western?
The eye shape, you say?
Well done, sir! Now can you please tell me, the ONLY body part Kai's character has that was visible during this scene? Oh, shoot darn it... better hope nobody notices your eyes and realizes that there is only one Westerner in the WHOLE of Japan... I can forgive you pulling this stunt once but this movie does this twice! Both times Kai is wearing a complete mask where only his eyes are visible and Mika recognizes him, even though she is sitting really, really far away and nobody else does... But they're in love, of course she is going to recognize him...
No Kai, you're a branch, get over yourself.
I would also like to point out that 30 Seconds to Mars did this scene way, way better.
At this point my head starts to spin... We've been introduced to so many characters and sooo much has gone on that it's just tooo much. There is no time for character development and to follow who is doing what and getting what done that when it is time for the old Lord of AKU to die, I was relieved that I have one less character to worry about. I honestly felt NOTHING when he died.
NOTHING!!!
God damn it! I get more upset over the fact that I didn't get upset than I did over the death of one of your characters... Director-san how is this a good thing? You no did good, go back to your room and call me when you director...
Maybe I am being too harsh on Rinsch, according to IMDb in a span of 11 years he has been involved in nine shorts, two of which he only produced and was second assistant director in and 47 Ronin is his only feature length film. So, I feel I should be giving him a little more room to breath but certain things such as character development and making your audience care for them can be learnt from reading a bunch of books and practising before hand. I do also remember there being a lot of conflicts between the producers and him and I can understand how that would get in the way of a director being able to get his story across. So I can relate with Rinsch but I am passionate about the cinema industry and I have to call it when I see it because the common misconception that action equals plot is spreading like an STD and must be stopped. Bring on the antibiotics and pick up a book because there is a load of good material on this topic and we should always be pushing each other back to pure cinematics and relatable characters.
So Kai, is laying in his bed, like the lazy-ass mofo he is, when the old man dies and looks up dramatically but with that confused-Keanu look and sees all three of his candles go out. From this he knows that the old man is dead but what I know is that you don't stick three candles on three barrels in a row and expect your room to be fully lit. Why would you do that? Was there something special about that particular wall that made you want to really light it up?
Please tell me Kai because I'm dying to know... it's 05:30 and I can't sleep.
Here comes the confusing part where we are told that a samurai must avenge his master's death and everybody suddenly knows that Lord Kira made a deal with a witch and got their master killed. By the way did any notice how creepy the scene with the witch was?
"Give me your heart..."
Silence...
*Cough *Cough "I said, give me your heart..."
...
"Well you're not objecting so that must mean yes..."
No, little evil witchy... You cannot do anything unless you have consent and I didn't hear it.
So back to the avenging business which is the backbone of this slug, Emperor whatnott then tells the samurai that they are forbidden from avenging their master's death which is supposed to give them closure but actually just raises more questions. If the Emperor didn't think that there was foul play involved, then there would be no need for avenging so by forbidding the samurai to avenge their master, he is saying that he knows that the old fart didn't really need to die but he punished him anyway... So in relation to the rest of his country, the Emperor is also a dick... Who knew?!
Now, Rinsch pulls a Psycho but he forgets one very, very important thing; he is not the almighty Hitchcock...
We are left halfway through a movie with no protagonist and less interest in this story than I have in finding out the square root of 11565, 74531 23120. Yes, I just randomly typed in a number because that's how interested I am.
Up until now, we sort of empathized with Kai but apparently he wasn't the branch we were looking for and now Oishi is the big shot. The protagonist is stereotypically the character who shows the most growth throughout the story and actually if we go by this, the protagonist should be Oishi because he goes through the epic character development of suddenly and for no particular reason liking and trusting Kai. But then why did we spend 90% of the first act of the movie learning about Kai and hardly anything about Oishi? If we call the old man's death the inciting incident, then we spent all of that time relating with Kai and afterwords he's gone and we're left with Oishi. It is really confusing and has the audience starting again. The reason why Psycho was so epic is because Hitchcock managed to tell a story without an obvious protagonist but in cases like this, it's just confusing and gets in the way of the story line. Maybe they should have rewritten the script as Oishi as the protagonist and he is in the original story instead of getting Kai mixed up into everything.
But back with the story:
Let's let him go just in time to screw our plans up, O.K.?
It will just make things interesting :3
So Oishi, is let go for no apparent reason and dumped in the middle of the village just as his wife and son are walking by and can pick him up. And so the story unfolds!
Such creative writing...
Such imagination...
I can only hope that one day, I too can come up with something a genius as letting the only guy who can mess up the plot go because I am bored.
So Oishi now, for some reason, knows that Kai is his only hope of saving the day and rushes off to save him from captivity.
But first I must stand in front of my house and give my son my katana, I mean weapon, and tell him that the enemy will be watching because they will obviously not be watching my house the day I get released from the pit and will be watching some distant lake for sure... Did anybody else notice that they didn't say the word katana once throughout the entire movie? I'm no expert in the art of samurai but as far as I know, the swords were called katanas... Please correct me if I am wrong; I am but a humble blogger...
This guy was a genuinely visually pleasing character. He looks motherfooking awesome! He takes up a good part of the poster and the trailer and we see him for about eight seconds. I genuinely felt cheated, after this scene because I felt that we had just met a character that was about to join the heroes on their epic quest - providing comedic relief, witty lines and generally looking bad ass and we get none of that.
It was entirely unfair... This was a cookie that you thought was chocolate chip but was actually filled with raisins...
Why would you do that?
I tell you why, because he gets people in the seats and DVDs on the shelf, that's why. They blatantly used this character and his costume to generate viewers and an audience and if we consider the trailer as an advert, which I definitely do, then this was false advertising. The problem is that you can't blame a trailer for getting your hopes up and selling you something that you didn't get, like adverts that sell you special diet cornflakes because they are not held accountable...
So Kai, has been kept as a fighter and Oishi bravely enters the ring to talk some sense into him. Several times throughout their fight Oishi tries to get Kai to recognize him but I want to ask him why he thinks Kai doesn't know who he is? Kai has known him practically all of his life and has gone without seeing him for only a year. Oishi was, as most people were, generally a dick to Kai so once he's been sold into slavery and no longer has to answer to anybody from AKU, why would Kai not want to beat the crap out of him? I know I wouldn't exactly run up and give him a hug if I was in Kai's sandals.
Remember that group of evil, weird, forest men that I ran away from because they wanted me to kill myself? Yep, I'm gonna go borrow their weapons and take you all with me... but we trust Kai now, remember? But then again, we had to have this scene so we could find out that Kai has some magically powers he "vowed" never to use again so he can explain why we have never heard about them before and so we can have the Keanu Reeves tracking shot, where Keanu Reeves walks and there is a medium close up, tracking shot of his face - just like the Matrix or The Day the Earth Stood Still or Constantine...
We also understand that there are some consequences to their actions through scenes like this and the following one in the village BUT there is not real sense of risk throughout the movie, the most interesting part throughout the entire thing comes right at the end where I wondered if the Emperor is going to sentence them to death or not. That was the only time I was fully aware that their lives were at risk or that their lives were actually in somebody else's hands.
So after they get new weapons and a couple of them have been killed off, we all just sit around waiting to see what is going to happen. Just at a convenient time a band of travelling musicians walk by playing loud music and waving bright banners. You see, it was common knowledge back in the Medieval ages that it was dangerous for everyone to be travelling from one place to another unless they have a piece of paper that specifically says "Don't touch me!" and thus the musicians are safe from harm. Luckily there are heading towards Lord Kira's wedding and are from AKUUUUU. So naturally they agree to help our heroes.
In the battle scene, we see that the swords' super powers are now working as they weren't working in the previous battle and we never get any explanation as to how and why...
Kai thinks he's deer because he knows what the witch is but so does everybody else in Japan and so he is just a branch but the good guys win anyway!
But remember kids, if you want to save the day: use a brick to make a big guy disintegrate, use the force and tell the girl that nothing could keep you apart when you completely forgot who she was for over a year!
And the prize for those of you who read this far: some nostalgia! Samurai Jack working his high heels :3
Also for those of you who were interested in Judith Weston's work: I got her take on acting and what the working conditions of a set should be like from her book Directing Actors Creating Memorable Performances for Film and Television. It's a really good read and I can recommend it to anyone who wants to work in the film/acting industry.
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