The Great and Powerful Oz can Only be Described as Carnage

It is an outrage to the cinema industry...

It is a crime against the concept of story...

And an insult to our intelligence...

I'm not even sure where to begin with this monstrosity.

I can't even...

I had very few expectations when I sat down to watch this movie and to be honest, I was tired but not too tired, my boyfriend was asleep and I wanted to watch something mind-numbing but mildly entertaining and was on Netflix. So, The Great and Powerful Dump it was... I remember there being a lot of hype about this movie when it first came out and it all pretty much went: "The story sucks but it's really pretty though!"


Turns out they were right: the story did suck - tremendously... epicly... facepalmingly painfully...

And it wasn't even pretty!

Alright, alright... I'm not total inhumane. I can give it props for certain aspects, like the opening credits - not many films have opening credits anymore and as my directing teacher told us, it is a sign of respect to the people who made the movie happen. By having opening credits you are saying: "The movie you are about to sit back and enjoy was put together by these people so give them a round of applause!"

But I'm not thanking them...

I don't even think they want the thanks. I genuinely believe that everyone involved should distance themselves as far as physically and mentally possible.

For Oz is dark and full of terrors :,(

I can also give it props for references to the original Wizard of Oz like starting in black and white and recasting characters in future roles in the movie but you can't shit on the original and then reference the hell out of it to try and please everyone... Either stick with good, intentional references or be completely original... Take and stand, have an opinion, grow a pair or move on!

Before I go on to tell you exactly why I hate this movie with a passion, I want to share some of the notes I made while watching this poop crusted, insect infested, crime against humanity:

• Zack Braff...
• Mila Kunis skipping...
• Midget humour is not funny.
• Why does Evenora have an English accent? Aren't she and Mila sisters?
• MILA KUNIS SKIPPING...
• Evenora thinks she is Helena Bonham Carter
• Oh, a magical granny smith apple Charlie...
• MILA KUNIS MUST STRIP!!!!
• Munchkins are politically correctly casted :3
• Thank god, there's no prophecy about me making my way to the fridge and having to slay a dragon in order to restore peace to Wonderland...Opps, I meant slay the evil witch and restore peace to... never mind, I need to go grocery shopping anyway...

Alright, so let's begin my little padawans by me asking you, if you genuinely found this movie funny? I can't remember actually finding anything funny... let me rephrase that, cough, cough: I can't remember laughing at anything I was supposed to - I mean Mila's eyebrows - I mean evil Theodora's eyebrows are probably the funniest thing I've seen this year. 

You know that guy in class who just tries TOO hard to be funny and ends up making a total ass of himself... that is this movie. The humour is just awkward and outdated - nobody wants to laugh at a midget who is too short to open a door: it's just soooo awkward... or nobody has been able to pull the "I can't swim!" card and actually made people laugh since Mel Brookes "Robin Hood Men in Tights" so just give it up, Raimi.

The characters have one trait and these are emphasized over and over and over again just to be sure that we know that Oz is an asshole, Theodora is naive, Zack wants to be his friend, and everyone else is just good or evil.

So, we start the movie in a travelling circus, seeing how Oz acts towards women, his friends and his audience and the general consensus is that Oz is an ass. So now that we have established that, we can travel to the Land of Oz and see Oz do exactly the same thing. Yippe! 

But before that, I have to talk about this tornado scene... In the original, the tornado scene is all about us being swept away into the subconscious of Dorothy. It is a symbolic journey, where we get to learn about the protagonist, her greatest fears and those she loves. Can anybody tell me anything we learnt about Oz in his tornado scene other than the fact that his hat has gale force wind defying stickability?? Like I said before, if you are going to reference another movie, if you are going to steal plot points from another movie, then do it properly mofo!

Oz is just trying too painfully hard to be pretty... Remember when Cameron's Avatar came out and everyone went apeshit over 3D movies? Oz tries to do that with it's blatant CGI four years after 3D and IMAX movies became a thing and it even tries to cash in on the hype by calling itself both of them but is just an epic fail.

By the way, before we go on, I have to ask you guys a question:

Don't you think this movie would have looked so much better with some nutscaping?? Just imagine James Franco swatting away or trying to avoid getting smacked in the face by a pair of nuts! It could very well save this film from the pothole-on-a-motorway car wreck that it is... Actually, I think I am going to make this a thing from now on: when I believe that absolutely nothing can save a movie from itself, I will recommend some lovely nutscaping to liven up the neighbourhood! Beautiful! If you haven't guessed by now, nutscaping is the incredible art of taking a beautiful picture of a landscape framed by luscious lumps of your nuts... the creativity, the imagination, the deep and pure philosophy... Not everyone posses the talent...

But I digress...

Cough, cough... Back to the shit house! Another thing this movie gets so terribly wrong is that ACTION DOES NOT EQUAL PLOT!!! What makes movies relatable, unforgettable and awesome are the characters. We love How to Train Your Dragon because Toothless is cute - that and he looks exactly like my cat... No, but seriously, every time this movie is done with it's plot point something scary comes a long to push the characters onto the next one. Not only is it blatantly lazy screenwriting but it is the only way they keep our attention; just as your starting to lose focus, BOOM!

And suddenly there is action again. Action is something that happens to your characters, but your characters are the actual plot. Seriously MGM, surely you know this! How could you allow this turd blossom to taint Baum's name??  

Seriously, whoever wrote this should be shot...
but then again what do you really expect when one of the screenwriters is responsible for turning Shrek into a musical... Shrek was a pure and beautiful childhood memory, God damn it! Is nothing sacred anymore!

Jeepers, at this point I'm just staring at my notes trying to pick one to write about and I'm just in awe - I wrote 14 pages of things that were wrong with this movie...

The plot holes, the plot holes, the plot holes...

Did anybody else notice that the China Doll Girl Thing is a psycho? Where did she even hide that knife?? o.0

And why did Glinda think that a cow mooing was so interesting?

Why did they just ignore an entire plan because the monkey sneezed it away?

Didn't the China people ever invent something to fix themselves or did they remain cripples for the rest of their lives if they broke something?

They spend half a scene trying not to fall off an edge and then they just jump off it!

Did you see that a girl made out of CHINA can make it through a crowd running away from a falling, flaming hot air balloon without getting smashed?!

Did you guys also notice that the People of Oz can't kill but putting monkeys in a life-long coma doesn't count?

Or that the people of Oz can't kill but public torture is fine?

Or that the people pof Poz can't kill but shooting down a highly flammable hot air balloon and throwing spears into a crowd is fine? 

But the steople of stodge can't kill unless a defenseless ugly witch attacks you - then you can shoot her out a window because if you're ugly, then you don't count :3

Alright, I can find it in my heart to give it another plus, having a girl in a wheelchair that Oz could not help because he is not a real wizard and then having him give the China Girl back her legs was a smooth move and a hint that we might actually be in his subconscious just like the original Wizard of Oz but other than that, you just can't... You can't fill a movie with bad and overdone cliches, keep the audience interested through jump scares and cleavage, pull the generation Y everybody is special, you just need to believe in yourself bullshit and call it a story...

"But think of the children!"
"Yeah, well I do and that is why I do this!"

This movie is an insult to the people who put their everything into to making beautiful, memorable stories and it is a special sort of middle finger when you have a reference material to go on to begin with.

And...

If this story happens before the Wizard of Oz, and is based on somebody dealing with their subconscious conflicts, and Oz was knocked into a coma by a tornado in order to face these inner conflicts, and by Oz staying in the Land of Oz at the end of the movie mean that Oz never woke up from his coma and never returned to Kansas? And if he never returns to Kansas, then how is he there at the beginning of the Wizard of Oz to send Dorothy home to Auntie Em? And if, as the name Oz suggests, the Land of Oz actually Oz's subconscious, then does Dorothy's story actually take place in Oz's subconscious and not her own? We could then argue that Oz is an entirely fictional character who never existed expect in Dorothy's imagination but he is there at the end of the Wizard of Oz and interacting with all of Dorothy's friends and family... 

See this is what happens when you take the original story only on face value and ignore everything else! 

"Look mammy, I made a pony!" 

"That's lovely Raimi, but next time leave it in the toilet like I told you to."

I have watched many, many, many bad movies and I had it in my mind that I might one day start a rant blog/youtube channel about them but this is the straw that broke the camel's back, legs and neck.

So thank you, The Grated D*CK Cheese and Power Thrust Oz, for making me get my act together and write...

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug

P.S. for those of you who actually read all of this here is sexy Mila Kunis...

because sexy Mila Kunis is sexy :)