Temptation - Confessions of the Dull and Mundane

*Spoilers...*

***AAAArrrggggghhhhh***

**BBEEEUUUWWEEEEHHH**

**Kimmie butt Kimmie Buttt****

**Boop, boop!!**

That was seriously more exciting than this ridiculous movie that I can NOT believe I made myself watch...

But before we go on, I have to apologize for being late with this post - I took it upon myself to start painting my house at seven in the evening but hey... I enjoyed it. From now on, I'm going to try and post on Mondays so make sure to be here or be a sphere! Mwahaha

And also this is the last time I'm going to post on this blog so make sure to catch me at my new one: nikkipek and like the facebook page! Kisses!

So back to the movie: Tyler Perry's Temptation is a Tyler Perry movie, written, directed and produced by Tyler Perry;  about Tyler Perry for Tyler Perry by Tyler Perry Studios...

TYLER PERRY - Sorry, I had to be sure that you knew that Tyler Perry is responsible for this movie because he definitely wants you to know.

You always know that there is something wrong when you see that the movie has been written, directed and produced by the same person... But holy fucking bolognese was it a load of shit...

This movie is listed on IMDb as a drama/thriller... Thrillers are supposed to be full of suspense and exciting to the point where you cannot sit still in your seat and not once throughout the entire thing did I feel ANY suspense. I am actually genuinely angry that they had the audacity to class this as a thriller when you have greats like Seven, Fight Club and Psycho defining the genre... Please Tyler Perry, take a hike! I was physically bored throughout the entire thing and you have the balls to call it a thriller!!! Pick up a book, type it in google, do something and look up the frickin' meaning of the word "thriller"... This is the amazing age of the internet, you can't hide behind ignorance anymore...

So I found out about this movie while watching trailers on Youtube and I thought that it would make a great new post for my blog based purely on the fact that it looked like a black version of 50 Shades of Grey but with Kim Kardashian. To be honest, she was the main reason why I decided to watch it and it was probably the same for most people. I began watching it hoping that she would pull off some truly blog-worthy performances or at least say something stupid I could pick to shreds...

But to be entirely honest...

God, I can't believe I'm going to say this...

Argh, is this going to stay on the internet forever and ever and come back to haunt me??

I have to give credit where it is due: Kim Kardashian was not the WORST part of this movie...

Actually I think she was pretty much just being Kim Kardashian in a movie and she gave me, like, nothing, to pick on that I couldn't have done by just looking at the little troll. 

It's absolutely not fair because I had psyched myself up for some epic Kardashian bashing and was bitterly disappointed. If anything, her scenes were a bit uplifting because it was a constant battle to keep focus throughout this entire pile of shit and every time she showed up, a new hope for something entertaining was born! But absolutely nothing entertaining or even slightly original happened throughout the entire thing...

I watched this movie knowing it would be bad, but what I didn't expect is that it would be ssssssssoooooo boring! The characters are 2D, there is nothing original in plot or even the set design, it is basically a mixture of 50 Shades of Grey, Twilight and The Devil Wears Prada... I wish I could say that it was painful to watch because at least then I could have felt SOMETHING! The world and the characters were unrelateble, everything felt orchestrated and fake and it was just a mess in general. 

I was genuinely disappointed and to be completely honest, I was considering finding another movie to pick to shreds but I then realized that this, again, is part of the problem with the film industry today. They found a couple of famous faces to get asses in chairs, played to every mid-life crisis housewife's wet dreams and made a film... There was no actual attempt to tell a genuine story or to be anything other than somebody's crusty wet dream. 

So we start the movie listening to a couple getting marriage counselling and already I am bored. The only reason I am bored is because the actors themselves, sound bored. They speak with monotone voices, deliver their lines awkwardly and are generally just giving separate performances in the same space. Throughout the movie I was extremely bothered by the acting and I think that is because Tyler Perry can't make the transition from theater to film. This movie is written like a play and the actors treat it like one as well. One of the scenes this is most obvious in, is the opening one where there is a really bad mixture of overacting and underacting. It just doesn't mesh, the characters don't connect or relate, there is no real rhythm or beat between them and it just feels generally immature. 

So our marriage counselor then begins to tell us the story about her sister who also, coincidentally, wanted to be a marriage counselor. Those drugs aren't mine, officer, I'm just holding them for your wife...

So anyway, we meet the protagonist and her future husband and we learn about their dreams: one dreams of being a marriage counselor and the other one wants to own a pharmacy. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people chasing their dreams but I don't know how many kids dream about owning a pharmacy when they grow up... Again even their dreams are just awkward and boring... It's almost as if, Perry has gone out of his way to make these characters "unique" when in reality it just makes them harder to relate to and if the audience can't relate to your characters, then you have NO STORY. 

PERIOD.

Judith is just annoying, her accent keeps slipping, she constantly complains about her job and she bashes her new boss to the other employees. She has a job in a really nice office, with a boss that cares about her, admittedly with some pretty crappy co-workers but she got a job straight out of college! What's wrong with this bitch! 

"I want my own practice!"

"I want it now!"

"I don't want to work for it... I just thought it would land in my lap, like it was supposed to!"

She is generation Y incarnate and it is this type of bullshit that makes her unhappy with her job, her marriage and her life because it is not "special" enough for her. 

In walks  the love interest, Harley, I mean Christian, I mean Edward... the other Christian? Prince Charming? Hans?

Let's just call him Rich Guy...

So Rich Guy enters stage left and proposes a solution to all our protagonist's problems. He's handsome, rich, dangerous, rich, buff, rich, wants and supports her and is RICH!

But Judith can't just leave her husband because she has known him for 19 years and has been married for six and is torn between the man who forgets her birthday and the other man who takes her home in his Ferrari... This movie just plays to a woman's desire to nest and the easiest way to this is to do this is to find a rich guy to provide for her and disappointingly, it works time and time again... Both in real life and in stories; it gets people in those cinema seats, it gets books and DVDs on the shelf and money in the bank...

So the first part of the movie is spent just showing us how much of a nice guy but a disinterested dick her husband is and how much Rich Guy wants her. It just a grown up, black version of Twilight. 

So Rich Guy does the survey that Judith put together and she apparently is psychic as she can tell him exactly what he's like before she even starts to read his answers and even then she only needs to glance at them and at first I was sort of impressed but then I realized she was reading his horoscope:

"You believe in love. You got hurt. You want commitment..."

Such intuition, much explanatory!

By this time we have also met the new employee at the pharmacy her husband works at (she had such an influence on my life and this story that I can't even remember her name...) and apparently she is hiding from someone but in that way that you know someone is hiding from someone: like pulling your hood up and looking around you suspiciously as you leave somewhere but she makes it home in one piece. Then she does something really stupid and locks the door behind her when she gets in her house which is fine but THEN she grabs a baseball bat and walks through her house to see if there is anyone there...

Just wait a minute...

If you're scared that there's someone in your house, why would you lock yourself in with them?

Wouldn't you want to leave some way to escape? Wouldn't you want to leave them a way to get out if they want to so they possibly wouldn't have to hurt you?

Aye, aye, ayeeee...

So Rich Man is teaching Judith all about sex and how it should be spontaneous and passionate and whatever and all I can think is:

Bitch, this girl never closes her mouth!

WTF you doing?! Catching flies?? Put it away woman!

On the bright side, I bet she never has a problem with morning breath... 

And in honour of this fight against stinky breath, I have re-made the poster to a more appropriate image.

Errmahgerd... beautifully minty fresh!

And he's smooth talking her saying he would never miss a thing and says that he he has even noticed that she has small, blonde hairs on the back of her neck and again, all I can think is:

Bitch, how do you know?

HOW do you know you have blonde hairs on the back of your neck?

Do you make a habit of checking the back of your neck? How the fuck would you do that anyway? Or did you know because your hairdresser told you about them black hairs on your neck and you then had her bleach them and that look of surprise on your face is actually horror because even though you had them bleached people are still noticing them??

Just how big are the hairs anyway??

Jeepers...

And just when you're loosing focus, the husband walks in shirtless and everyone else is like: OOOOHHHH!! AAABBBSSSS.... but I'm like: why is a pharmacist so buff?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not stereotyping pharmacists but they don't NEED to be that muscular - I would understand if he was a construction worker or something but he works behind and desk and stocks shelves... Just how many muscles do you need for that? Or is it all just a publicity stunt? Dun dun DDDDUUUUNNNN!!!!

And I know I said she wasn't that bad in the beginning of the blog but who dresses Kimmie?? And what exactly does she do in the office? All we see is her walking from there to there, talk about Judith's clothes and sit at her computer. And when Judith decides that she wants a makeover, Kim can just drop everything and do it! Obviously her role there in pretty much what it is in real life: ass and tits.

Not that there is anything wrong with ass and tits - actually I am quite fond of them myself...

But femi-nazis are always on about the objectifying of women and that all men are dangerous, and that is all we see in the movie so I really don't understand why more of them haven't jumped down it's throat. It sums up everything that they consider wrong with the feminine image: girls should be pretty, guys should be rich and buy her stuff.

God, I'm so through with this movie that I don't even think nutscaping can fix it and I'm not even halfway through yet...

All the way through it, we are warned that Rich Guy is actually Dangerous Guy and yet we actually never see him be anything but nice to her until she decides to leave her husband for him and then, BOOM! Epic-dick-move activated -  but there is actually no reason for this transition. We hear that he's a bad guy but we never actually seen it until the story demands and in a movie you can tell the audience something all you want but it doesn't mean anything unless you SHOW it! And Judith realizes he is a "bad" guy when her mother THROWS herself on the floor when he snatches a laptop from her.

But asshole is asshole because plot demands...

We suddenly learn that the new worker at the pharmacy, who is definitely not attracted to Judith's husband because it is not in their character description, has HIV. Now I have to confess that I had COMPLETELY lost concentration at this point and was watching my boyfriend playing a game and I only realized that I had missed something because there was a long pause in the dialogue. Then I was like: "Wait, what?" and had to rewind the God-damn thing to find out what I'd missed and apparently whatever it is everybody's got it because Judith's husband, from name ALONE, has now figured out that Rich Guy was dating both of them and rushes to save the day. There is a trick that I feel this movie could have really benefited from and that is cutting the first and last two lines of a scene and this would have greatly helped with the flow of the movie, it would have cut to the part of the scenes when the actors were more in character and in general would have made each scene a lot shorter. This movie feels like a play but it's not strangely enough, it's actually a movie. 

Because all men are either feminists or wife-beating assholes, Rich Guy beat Judith up and has now crashed on the bed because apparently he is also a junkie. In fact he has taken so much of whatever that he doesn't even notice another man break into his house screaming and shouting, run through his bedroom and start talking to the woman in his bathroom. All throughout this scene I was wondering when Rich Guy was going to burst into the bathroom and we would have an epic boss fight but it never happened... No matter how long and loud the two in the bathroom were talking (and they talk for a really long time because the bathroom with a woman-beating, rich crack addict who probably has a team of professional lawyers on his payroll in the next room, is the most appropriate place to have a really relevant face-to-face...)

But her husband goes through the amazing character development of learning to stand up for women so yay!

And this movie ends with our marriage counselor from the beginning turning out, surprise surprise, to be Judith - what a twist, folks, WHAT A TWAT - I mean, TWIST... Because nobody saw that coming, am I right? Judith now has HIV as well, her ex-husband has his pharmacy and is living the dream with a new wife and kid. So the moral of the story everybody, is to find happiness where you are and to be true to yourself because, then, you too can own a pharmacy... 

Living the dream... Just living.... the.... dream...

So to sum it up everybody, there are no interesting shots in the entire movie, the colour palette consists of brown and different tones of brown and grand total of genuine acting moments can be summed up to one! There is one scene where the actors are actually working together is the scene where they are on the plane back from New Orleans and not even that works for the entire scene... It is just mundane and monotone. They entire thing is meant to be eye-candy and that is the only purpose it serves.

I honestly am glad that this is over and I can put this movie behind me. I genuinely felt more emotion checking out the IMDb page, than I did throughout this entire thing...

So... remember to check in next Monday and let me know if you think there are any movies that deserve to be on Nikkipek's picked movie list either let me know on here on the facebook page.

Peace out, you beautiful, hot-mess of a love machine, you!

47 Ronin - 47 Stages of Blasphemy

Hey guys, I'm moving my blog to nikkipek.blogspot.com and I will only be posting on this blog for a little while longer. So if you want to keep reading make sure to follow me at my new blog and like my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/nikkipek

Peace!

*Spoilers Alert*

Is it still socially acceptable to be making fun of Keanu Reeves movies? I know they have been overdone slightly in the past but I couldn't quite pass up the opportunity to sink my teeth into this beautiful hot mess of a motion picture.

I appreciate Keanu Reeves as the down-to-earth celebrity that he is: he takes his work seriously, taking serious pay cuts so that other actors can be hired and donating millions to charity but mainly because:

Sad Keanu Reeves is sad...

Look at him, with his plastic bags and his sandwich all alone...


It's O.K. Keanu Reeves, you don't have to feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind. wanting to start again!

So now that I got that out of my system...

I have to painfully confess that even though I had heard sooooooooooo many bad reviews about this movie that I was genuinely really, really, really optimistic about it. But noooo, Hollywood has to go out of it's way to disappoint little ol' Nikkipek, time and time again... It's a historical drama! You have to really go out of your frickin' way to get ME not to like a historical drama... I live for them... I breathe them...

I am GROOT! I mean I am a historical drama... or maybe just drama...

Yes, I am a hot mess piece of drama and I like it because I am still a bigger success story than this movie! (If only by a tiny, tiny fraction...)

So anyways, I liked the trailer and I was really looking forward to the movie until I actually started watching it. From the get-go, it is so AWKWARD!

So, so awkward... Your 90-year-old great-aunt with Alzheimer's starts peeing on all the customers at a fancy restaurant and thinks she's making it snow kind of awkward...

All of the actors look like they have a stick up their ass and are trying to ignore it. The dialogue and body language is stiff all the way through the movie and you can just feel that absolutely no one actually knows what they are doing the entire time.

How can you expect any sort of genuine acting to come out of a set that is the Hollywood equivalent of high school? Director Judith Weston talks about how acting is a very emotional and difficult process for actors, especially those who use method acting, as it requires them to fallback on their previous emotional experiences and expose themselves both to the people on set and in the audience. And there are no genuine moments where the actors are working together here, there are just a bunch of separate performances in the same space...

I would like to mention before I go any further, that the film does have some redeeming qualities: for starters the film isn't THAT bad... It's a good time filler. If you don't want to get emotionally and mentally involved in a story but want some time-wasting action, then you would probably enjoy it. The costumes and set designs are really pretty and I have already sent my marriage proposal to C.G.I. guy. T.T CGI senpai, suki da... There were also a couple of transitions that I think are worth mentioning, like the transition we see when the witch transforms from a fox into a human and I did enjoy most of the scenes where we see her use her magic mainly because of the effects. I did really like her floating dress scene and her death scene when we followed her transforming dragon body to her dress and then her face. So plus points for those details but a donkey is still a donkey even if you put make-up and a golden saddle on it!

The characters begin with one trait and then move onto another one and the script calls this character development. From the get-go characters are divided between those who like Kai and those who don't and then when the plot demands it, everyone goes through some sense of character development and like/sort of like/now sort of tolerate Kai and are willing to work with him to save the day.

We start the movie with a brief explanation of where we are, what a Ronin is and oh, by the way there is magic and then we are introduced to the young Kai who is saved from being killed by the gracious Lord of AAKKUU.

"Did somebody say Aku?"

Yes, we did Jack but it's not the Aku you're looking for sorry but you still look good in those heels!

It is shortly after Kai is saved that we stumble upon one of the most painful parts of this movie.

Dat romance...

Kai and Mika (The Lord of AAAKKUUU's daughter) are in love but I'm not sure if I entirely understand it. Apparently I've been doing it wrong my entire life - you see, when you love someone you are supposed to show them a branch and call it a deer, steal one of their hair accessories and then not talk to them for like ten years. Who'd a thought, right?

Well you might be happy to sit back and believe that this is what love is supposed to be but I will simply not have it... Kai that is quite obviously a branch, now stop spreading lies with such conviction - that's the feminists' job and you are stealing their limelight!

Another thing I really, really don't understand is that they believe that Kai was brought up in a forest by demons and that they trained him to kill and be all super ninja or whatever but they only use him to track this deer-rhino-scorpion monster thingy instead of actually using his superpowers to kill it. If Kai was such an outsider, shouldn't they have used his demon training to kill the monster instead of leaving him behind and loosing loads of their own men?

But they couldn't do that because that way, we wouldn't be able to see that nobody likes him and that everybody acts like a dick towards him. No Kai, you are not a superhero; you're a branch.

Meanwhile back at AKU, Kai realizes there is a witch disguised as a concubine and runs straight to tell the head samurai Oishi. In a time of mystical beings you would have thought that the idea of a witch would have warranted at least a "not my job" response but then again we wouldn't have the opportunity to witness the fact that everyone is a dick. So before we go any further, I need to point out that everyone is a mythological dick, O.K.? Good, moving on... In other news, the Land of dicks is being invaded by the neighbouring City of Jerks who have allied with the formidable Assholes and have all agreed to make Keanu Reeves' life a living hell. But they shall not have him... I will defend little Keanu against all evil and lay down my life to protect my master's honour so he may rest easy.


And in entirely unrelated news, I now have a restraining order...

Moving on...

SUDDENLY THERE IS DUELING BECAUSE OF REASONS!

Yes, only a duel can save this train-wreck that is my life, I mean the movie, so bring it on!

Oh, this awesome samurai got bewitched, whatever shall we do? If only there were some really important people with a lot of power and influence nearby, like a Lord or an Emperor, that could help you track down this witch and save the day. Too bad, Kai, I guess you will have to put on his armour and fight that big guy so we can have some more action sequences.

Pop quiz: what is the main differences between Asian facial features and Western?

The eye shape, you say?

Well done, sir! Now can you please tell me, the ONLY body part Kai's character has that was visible during this scene? Oh, shoot darn it... better hope nobody notices your eyes and realizes that there is only one Westerner in the WHOLE of Japan... I can forgive you pulling this stunt once but this movie does this twice! Both times Kai is wearing a complete mask where only his eyes are visible and Mika recognizes him, even though she is sitting really, really far away and nobody else does... But they're in love, of course she is going to recognize him...

No Kai, you're a branch, get over yourself.

I would also like to point out that 30 Seconds to Mars did this scene way, way better.

At this point my head starts to spin... We've been introduced to so many characters and sooo much has gone on that it's just tooo much. There is no time for character development and to follow who is doing what and getting what done that when it is time for the old Lord of AKU to die, I was relieved that I have one less character to worry about. I honestly felt NOTHING when he died.

NOTHING!!!

God damn it! I get more upset over the fact that I didn't get upset than I did over the death of one of your characters... Director-san how is this a good thing? You no did good, go back to your room and call me when you director...

Maybe I am being too harsh on Rinsch, according to IMDb in a span of 11 years he has been involved in nine shorts, two of which he only produced and was second assistant director in and 47 Ronin is his only feature length film. So, I feel I should be giving him a little more room to breath but certain things such as character development and making your audience care for them can be learnt from reading a bunch of books and practising before hand. I do also remember there being a lot of conflicts between the producers and him and I can understand how that would get in the way of a director being able to get his story across. So I can relate with Rinsch but I am passionate about the cinema industry and I have to call it when I see it because the common misconception that action equals plot is spreading like an STD and must be stopped. Bring on the antibiotics and pick up a book because there is a load of good material on this topic and we should always be pushing each other back to pure cinematics and relatable characters.

So Kai, is laying in his bed, like the lazy-ass mofo he is, when the old man dies and looks up dramatically but with that confused-Keanu look and sees all three of his candles go out. From this he knows that the old man is dead but what I know is that you don't stick three candles on three barrels in a row and expect your room to be fully lit. Why would you do that? Was there something special about that particular wall that made you want to really light it up?

Please tell me Kai because I'm dying to know... it's 05:30 and I can't sleep.

Here comes the confusing part where we are told that a samurai must avenge his master's death and everybody suddenly knows that Lord Kira made a deal with a witch and got their master killed. By the way did any notice how creepy the scene with the witch was?

"Give me your heart..."

Silence...

*Cough *Cough "I said, give me your heart..."

...

"Well you're not objecting so that must mean yes..."

No, little evil witchy... You cannot do anything unless you have consent and I didn't hear it.

So back to the avenging business which is the backbone of this slug, Emperor whatnott then tells the samurai that they are forbidden from avenging their master's death which is supposed to give them closure but actually just raises more questions. If the Emperor didn't think that there was foul play involved, then there would be no need for avenging so by forbidding the samurai to avenge their master, he is saying that he knows that the old fart didn't really need to die but he punished him anyway... So in relation to the rest of his country, the Emperor is also a dick... Who knew?!

Now, Rinsch pulls a Psycho but he forgets one very, very important thing; he is not the almighty Hitchcock...

We are left halfway through a movie with no protagonist and less interest in this story than I have in finding out the square root of 11565, 74531 23120. Yes, I just randomly typed in a number because that's how interested I am.

Up until now, we sort of empathized with Kai but apparently he wasn't the branch we were looking for and now Oishi is the big shot. The protagonist is stereotypically the character who shows the most growth throughout the story and actually if we go by this, the protagonist should be Oishi because he goes through the epic character development of suddenly and for no particular reason liking and trusting Kai. But then why did we spend 90% of the first act of the movie learning about Kai and hardly anything about Oishi? If we call the old man's death the inciting incident, then we spent all of that time relating with Kai and afterwords he's gone and we're left with Oishi. It is really confusing and has the audience starting again. The reason why Psycho was so epic is because Hitchcock managed to tell a story without an obvious protagonist but in cases like this, it's just confusing and gets in the way of the story line. Maybe they should have rewritten the script as Oishi as the protagonist and he is in the original story instead of getting Kai mixed up into everything.

But back with the story:

Remember that guy we locked away in a pit for a year because we didn't trust him?

Let's let him go just in time to screw our plans up, O.K.?

It will just make things interesting :3

So Oishi, is let go for no apparent reason and dumped in the middle of the village just as his wife and son are walking by and can pick him up.  And so the story unfolds!

Such creative writing...

Such imagination...

I can only hope that one day, I too can come up with something a genius as letting the only guy who can mess up the plot go because I am bored.

So Oishi now, for some reason, knows that Kai is his only hope of saving the day and rushes off to save him from captivity.

But first I must stand in front of my house and give my son my katana, I mean weapon, and tell him that the enemy will be watching because they will obviously not be watching my house the day I get released from the pit and will be watching some distant lake for sure... Did anybody else notice that they didn't say the word katana once throughout the entire movie? I'm no expert in the art of samurai but as far as I know, the swords were called katanas... Please correct me if I am wrong; I am but a humble blogger...

Hey, there's the guy from the poster! Damn he looks cool... wait where is he going? Come back...

This guy was a genuinely visually pleasing character. He looks motherfooking awesome! He takes up a good part of the poster and the trailer and we see him for about eight seconds. I genuinely felt cheated, after this scene because I felt that we had just met a character that was about to join the heroes on their epic quest - providing comedic relief, witty lines and generally looking bad ass and we get none of that.

It was entirely unfair... This was a cookie that you thought was chocolate chip but was actually filled with raisins...

Why would you do that?

I tell you why, because he gets people in the seats and DVDs on the shelf, that's why. They blatantly used this character and his costume to generate viewers and an audience and if we consider the trailer as an advert, which I definitely do, then this was false advertising. The problem is that you can't blame a trailer for getting your hopes up and selling you something that you didn't get, like adverts that sell you special diet cornflakes because they are not held accountable...

So Kai, has been kept as a fighter and Oishi bravely enters the ring to talk some sense into him. Several times throughout their fight Oishi tries to get Kai to recognize him but I want to ask him why he thinks Kai doesn't know who he is? Kai has known him practically all of his life and has gone without seeing him for only a year. Oishi was, as most people were, generally a dick to Kai so once he's been sold into slavery and no longer has to answer to anybody from AKU, why would Kai not want to beat the crap out of him? I know I wouldn't exactly run up and give him a hug if I was in Kai's sandals.

Remember that group of evil, weird, forest men that I ran away from because they wanted me to kill myself? Yep, I'm gonna go borrow their weapons and take you all with me... but we trust Kai now, remember? But then again, we had to have this scene so we could find out that Kai has some magically powers he "vowed" never to use again so he can explain why we have never heard about them before and so we can have the Keanu Reeves tracking shot, where Keanu Reeves walks and there is a medium close up, tracking shot of his face - just like the Matrix or The Day the Earth Stood Still or Constantine...

We also understand that there are some consequences to their actions through scenes like this and the following one in the village BUT there is not real sense of risk throughout the movie, the most interesting part throughout the entire thing comes right at the end where I wondered if the Emperor is going to sentence them to death or not. That was the only time I was fully aware that their lives were at risk or that their lives were actually in somebody else's hands.

So after they get new weapons and a couple of them have been killed off, we all just sit around waiting to see what is going to happen. Just at a convenient time a band of travelling musicians walk by playing loud music and waving bright banners. You see, it was common knowledge back in the Medieval ages that it was dangerous for everyone to be travelling from one place to another unless they have a piece of paper that specifically says "Don't touch me!" and thus the musicians are safe from harm. Luckily there are heading towards Lord Kira's wedding and are from AKUUUUU. So naturally they agree to help our heroes.

In the battle scene, we see that the swords' super powers are now working as they weren't working in the previous battle and we never get any explanation as to how and why...

Kai thinks he's deer because he knows what the witch is but so does everybody else in Japan and so he is just a branch but the good guys win anyway!


But remember kids, if you want to save the day: use a brick to make a big guy disintegrate, use the force and tell the girl that nothing could keep you apart when you completely forgot who she was for over a year!

And the prize for those of you who read this far: some nostalgia! Samurai Jack working his high heels :3


Also for those of you who were interested in Judith Weston's work: I got her take on acting and what the working conditions of a set should be like from her book Directing Actors Creating Memorable Performances for Film and Television.  It's a really good read and I can recommend it to anyone who wants to work in the film/acting industry.

The Great and Powerful Oz can Only be Described as Carnage

It is an outrage to the cinema industry...

It is a crime against the concept of story...

And an insult to our intelligence...

I'm not even sure where to begin with this monstrosity.

I can't even...

I had very few expectations when I sat down to watch this movie and to be honest, I was tired but not too tired, my boyfriend was asleep and I wanted to watch something mind-numbing but mildly entertaining and was on Netflix. So, The Great and Powerful Dump it was... I remember there being a lot of hype about this movie when it first came out and it all pretty much went: "The story sucks but it's really pretty though!"


Turns out they were right: the story did suck - tremendously... epicly... facepalmingly painfully...

And it wasn't even pretty!

Alright, alright... I'm not total inhumane. I can give it props for certain aspects, like the opening credits - not many films have opening credits anymore and as my directing teacher told us, it is a sign of respect to the people who made the movie happen. By having opening credits you are saying: "The movie you are about to sit back and enjoy was put together by these people so give them a round of applause!"

But I'm not thanking them...

I don't even think they want the thanks. I genuinely believe that everyone involved should distance themselves as far as physically and mentally possible.

For Oz is dark and full of terrors :,(

I can also give it props for references to the original Wizard of Oz like starting in black and white and recasting characters in future roles in the movie but you can't shit on the original and then reference the hell out of it to try and please everyone... Either stick with good, intentional references or be completely original... Take and stand, have an opinion, grow a pair or move on!

Before I go on to tell you exactly why I hate this movie with a passion, I want to share some of the notes I made while watching this poop crusted, insect infested, crime against humanity:

• Zack Braff...
• Mila Kunis skipping...
• Midget humour is not funny.
• Why does Evenora have an English accent? Aren't she and Mila sisters?
• MILA KUNIS SKIPPING...
• Evenora thinks she is Helena Bonham Carter
• Oh, a magical granny smith apple Charlie...
• MILA KUNIS MUST STRIP!!!!
• Munchkins are politically correctly casted :3
• Thank god, there's no prophecy about me making my way to the fridge and having to slay a dragon in order to restore peace to Wonderland...Opps, I meant slay the evil witch and restore peace to... never mind, I need to go grocery shopping anyway...

Alright, so let's begin my little padawans by me asking you, if you genuinely found this movie funny? I can't remember actually finding anything funny... let me rephrase that, cough, cough: I can't remember laughing at anything I was supposed to - I mean Mila's eyebrows - I mean evil Theodora's eyebrows are probably the funniest thing I've seen this year. 

You know that guy in class who just tries TOO hard to be funny and ends up making a total ass of himself... that is this movie. The humour is just awkward and outdated - nobody wants to laugh at a midget who is too short to open a door: it's just soooo awkward... or nobody has been able to pull the "I can't swim!" card and actually made people laugh since Mel Brookes "Robin Hood Men in Tights" so just give it up, Raimi.

The characters have one trait and these are emphasized over and over and over again just to be sure that we know that Oz is an asshole, Theodora is naive, Zack wants to be his friend, and everyone else is just good or evil.

So, we start the movie in a travelling circus, seeing how Oz acts towards women, his friends and his audience and the general consensus is that Oz is an ass. So now that we have established that, we can travel to the Land of Oz and see Oz do exactly the same thing. Yippe! 

But before that, I have to talk about this tornado scene... In the original, the tornado scene is all about us being swept away into the subconscious of Dorothy. It is a symbolic journey, where we get to learn about the protagonist, her greatest fears and those she loves. Can anybody tell me anything we learnt about Oz in his tornado scene other than the fact that his hat has gale force wind defying stickability?? Like I said before, if you are going to reference another movie, if you are going to steal plot points from another movie, then do it properly mofo!

Oz is just trying too painfully hard to be pretty... Remember when Cameron's Avatar came out and everyone went apeshit over 3D movies? Oz tries to do that with it's blatant CGI four years after 3D and IMAX movies became a thing and it even tries to cash in on the hype by calling itself both of them but is just an epic fail.

By the way, before we go on, I have to ask you guys a question:

Don't you think this movie would have looked so much better with some nutscaping?? Just imagine James Franco swatting away or trying to avoid getting smacked in the face by a pair of nuts! It could very well save this film from the pothole-on-a-motorway car wreck that it is... Actually, I think I am going to make this a thing from now on: when I believe that absolutely nothing can save a movie from itself, I will recommend some lovely nutscaping to liven up the neighbourhood! Beautiful! If you haven't guessed by now, nutscaping is the incredible art of taking a beautiful picture of a landscape framed by luscious lumps of your nuts... the creativity, the imagination, the deep and pure philosophy... Not everyone posses the talent...

But I digress...

Cough, cough... Back to the shit house! Another thing this movie gets so terribly wrong is that ACTION DOES NOT EQUAL PLOT!!! What makes movies relatable, unforgettable and awesome are the characters. We love How to Train Your Dragon because Toothless is cute - that and he looks exactly like my cat... No, but seriously, every time this movie is done with it's plot point something scary comes a long to push the characters onto the next one. Not only is it blatantly lazy screenwriting but it is the only way they keep our attention; just as your starting to lose focus, BOOM!

And suddenly there is action again. Action is something that happens to your characters, but your characters are the actual plot. Seriously MGM, surely you know this! How could you allow this turd blossom to taint Baum's name??  

Seriously, whoever wrote this should be shot...
but then again what do you really expect when one of the screenwriters is responsible for turning Shrek into a musical... Shrek was a pure and beautiful childhood memory, God damn it! Is nothing sacred anymore!

Jeepers, at this point I'm just staring at my notes trying to pick one to write about and I'm just in awe - I wrote 14 pages of things that were wrong with this movie...

The plot holes, the plot holes, the plot holes...

Did anybody else notice that the China Doll Girl Thing is a psycho? Where did she even hide that knife?? o.0

And why did Glinda think that a cow mooing was so interesting?

Why did they just ignore an entire plan because the monkey sneezed it away?

Didn't the China people ever invent something to fix themselves or did they remain cripples for the rest of their lives if they broke something?

They spend half a scene trying not to fall off an edge and then they just jump off it!

Did you see that a girl made out of CHINA can make it through a crowd running away from a falling, flaming hot air balloon without getting smashed?!

Did you guys also notice that the People of Oz can't kill but putting monkeys in a life-long coma doesn't count?

Or that the people of Oz can't kill but public torture is fine?

Or that the people pof Poz can't kill but shooting down a highly flammable hot air balloon and throwing spears into a crowd is fine? 

But the steople of stodge can't kill unless a defenseless ugly witch attacks you - then you can shoot her out a window because if you're ugly, then you don't count :3

Alright, I can find it in my heart to give it another plus, having a girl in a wheelchair that Oz could not help because he is not a real wizard and then having him give the China Girl back her legs was a smooth move and a hint that we might actually be in his subconscious just like the original Wizard of Oz but other than that, you just can't... You can't fill a movie with bad and overdone cliches, keep the audience interested through jump scares and cleavage, pull the generation Y everybody is special, you just need to believe in yourself bullshit and call it a story...

"But think of the children!"
"Yeah, well I do and that is why I do this!"

This movie is an insult to the people who put their everything into to making beautiful, memorable stories and it is a special sort of middle finger when you have a reference material to go on to begin with.

And...

If this story happens before the Wizard of Oz, and is based on somebody dealing with their subconscious conflicts, and Oz was knocked into a coma by a tornado in order to face these inner conflicts, and by Oz staying in the Land of Oz at the end of the movie mean that Oz never woke up from his coma and never returned to Kansas? And if he never returns to Kansas, then how is he there at the beginning of the Wizard of Oz to send Dorothy home to Auntie Em? And if, as the name Oz suggests, the Land of Oz actually Oz's subconscious, then does Dorothy's story actually take place in Oz's subconscious and not her own? We could then argue that Oz is an entirely fictional character who never existed expect in Dorothy's imagination but he is there at the end of the Wizard of Oz and interacting with all of Dorothy's friends and family... 

See this is what happens when you take the original story only on face value and ignore everything else! 

"Look mammy, I made a pony!" 

"That's lovely Raimi, but next time leave it in the toilet like I told you to."

I have watched many, many, many bad movies and I had it in my mind that I might one day start a rant blog/youtube channel about them but this is the straw that broke the camel's back, legs and neck.

So thank you, The Grated D*CK Cheese and Power Thrust Oz, for making me get my act together and write...

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug

P.S. for those of you who actually read all of this here is sexy Mila Kunis...

because sexy Mila Kunis is sexy :)