Temptation - Confessions of the Dull and Mundane

*Spoilers...*

***AAAArrrggggghhhhh***

**BBEEEUUUWWEEEEHHH**

**Kimmie butt Kimmie Buttt****

**Boop, boop!!**

That was seriously more exciting than this ridiculous movie that I can NOT believe I made myself watch...

But before we go on, I have to apologize for being late with this post - I took it upon myself to start painting my house at seven in the evening but hey... I enjoyed it. From now on, I'm going to try and post on Mondays so make sure to be here or be a sphere! Mwahaha

And also this is the last time I'm going to post on this blog so make sure to catch me at my new one: nikkipek and like the facebook page! Kisses!

So back to the movie: Tyler Perry's Temptation is a Tyler Perry movie, written, directed and produced by Tyler Perry;  about Tyler Perry for Tyler Perry by Tyler Perry Studios...

TYLER PERRY - Sorry, I had to be sure that you knew that Tyler Perry is responsible for this movie because he definitely wants you to know.

You always know that there is something wrong when you see that the movie has been written, directed and produced by the same person... But holy fucking bolognese was it a load of shit...

This movie is listed on IMDb as a drama/thriller... Thrillers are supposed to be full of suspense and exciting to the point where you cannot sit still in your seat and not once throughout the entire thing did I feel ANY suspense. I am actually genuinely angry that they had the audacity to class this as a thriller when you have greats like Seven, Fight Club and Psycho defining the genre... Please Tyler Perry, take a hike! I was physically bored throughout the entire thing and you have the balls to call it a thriller!!! Pick up a book, type it in google, do something and look up the frickin' meaning of the word "thriller"... This is the amazing age of the internet, you can't hide behind ignorance anymore...

So I found out about this movie while watching trailers on Youtube and I thought that it would make a great new post for my blog based purely on the fact that it looked like a black version of 50 Shades of Grey but with Kim Kardashian. To be honest, she was the main reason why I decided to watch it and it was probably the same for most people. I began watching it hoping that she would pull off some truly blog-worthy performances or at least say something stupid I could pick to shreds...

But to be entirely honest...

God, I can't believe I'm going to say this...

Argh, is this going to stay on the internet forever and ever and come back to haunt me??

I have to give credit where it is due: Kim Kardashian was not the WORST part of this movie...

Actually I think she was pretty much just being Kim Kardashian in a movie and she gave me, like, nothing, to pick on that I couldn't have done by just looking at the little troll. 

It's absolutely not fair because I had psyched myself up for some epic Kardashian bashing and was bitterly disappointed. If anything, her scenes were a bit uplifting because it was a constant battle to keep focus throughout this entire pile of shit and every time she showed up, a new hope for something entertaining was born! But absolutely nothing entertaining or even slightly original happened throughout the entire thing...

I watched this movie knowing it would be bad, but what I didn't expect is that it would be ssssssssoooooo boring! The characters are 2D, there is nothing original in plot or even the set design, it is basically a mixture of 50 Shades of Grey, Twilight and The Devil Wears Prada... I wish I could say that it was painful to watch because at least then I could have felt SOMETHING! The world and the characters were unrelateble, everything felt orchestrated and fake and it was just a mess in general. 

I was genuinely disappointed and to be completely honest, I was considering finding another movie to pick to shreds but I then realized that this, again, is part of the problem with the film industry today. They found a couple of famous faces to get asses in chairs, played to every mid-life crisis housewife's wet dreams and made a film... There was no actual attempt to tell a genuine story or to be anything other than somebody's crusty wet dream. 

So we start the movie listening to a couple getting marriage counselling and already I am bored. The only reason I am bored is because the actors themselves, sound bored. They speak with monotone voices, deliver their lines awkwardly and are generally just giving separate performances in the same space. Throughout the movie I was extremely bothered by the acting and I think that is because Tyler Perry can't make the transition from theater to film. This movie is written like a play and the actors treat it like one as well. One of the scenes this is most obvious in, is the opening one where there is a really bad mixture of overacting and underacting. It just doesn't mesh, the characters don't connect or relate, there is no real rhythm or beat between them and it just feels generally immature. 

So our marriage counselor then begins to tell us the story about her sister who also, coincidentally, wanted to be a marriage counselor. Those drugs aren't mine, officer, I'm just holding them for your wife...

So anyway, we meet the protagonist and her future husband and we learn about their dreams: one dreams of being a marriage counselor and the other one wants to own a pharmacy. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people chasing their dreams but I don't know how many kids dream about owning a pharmacy when they grow up... Again even their dreams are just awkward and boring... It's almost as if, Perry has gone out of his way to make these characters "unique" when in reality it just makes them harder to relate to and if the audience can't relate to your characters, then you have NO STORY. 

PERIOD.

Judith is just annoying, her accent keeps slipping, she constantly complains about her job and she bashes her new boss to the other employees. She has a job in a really nice office, with a boss that cares about her, admittedly with some pretty crappy co-workers but she got a job straight out of college! What's wrong with this bitch! 

"I want my own practice!"

"I want it now!"

"I don't want to work for it... I just thought it would land in my lap, like it was supposed to!"

She is generation Y incarnate and it is this type of bullshit that makes her unhappy with her job, her marriage and her life because it is not "special" enough for her. 

In walks  the love interest, Harley, I mean Christian, I mean Edward... the other Christian? Prince Charming? Hans?

Let's just call him Rich Guy...

So Rich Guy enters stage left and proposes a solution to all our protagonist's problems. He's handsome, rich, dangerous, rich, buff, rich, wants and supports her and is RICH!

But Judith can't just leave her husband because she has known him for 19 years and has been married for six and is torn between the man who forgets her birthday and the other man who takes her home in his Ferrari... This movie just plays to a woman's desire to nest and the easiest way to this is to do this is to find a rich guy to provide for her and disappointingly, it works time and time again... Both in real life and in stories; it gets people in those cinema seats, it gets books and DVDs on the shelf and money in the bank...

So the first part of the movie is spent just showing us how much of a nice guy but a disinterested dick her husband is and how much Rich Guy wants her. It just a grown up, black version of Twilight. 

So Rich Guy does the survey that Judith put together and she apparently is psychic as she can tell him exactly what he's like before she even starts to read his answers and even then she only needs to glance at them and at first I was sort of impressed but then I realized she was reading his horoscope:

"You believe in love. You got hurt. You want commitment..."

Such intuition, much explanatory!

By this time we have also met the new employee at the pharmacy her husband works at (she had such an influence on my life and this story that I can't even remember her name...) and apparently she is hiding from someone but in that way that you know someone is hiding from someone: like pulling your hood up and looking around you suspiciously as you leave somewhere but she makes it home in one piece. Then she does something really stupid and locks the door behind her when she gets in her house which is fine but THEN she grabs a baseball bat and walks through her house to see if there is anyone there...

Just wait a minute...

If you're scared that there's someone in your house, why would you lock yourself in with them?

Wouldn't you want to leave some way to escape? Wouldn't you want to leave them a way to get out if they want to so they possibly wouldn't have to hurt you?

Aye, aye, ayeeee...

So Rich Man is teaching Judith all about sex and how it should be spontaneous and passionate and whatever and all I can think is:

Bitch, this girl never closes her mouth!

WTF you doing?! Catching flies?? Put it away woman!

On the bright side, I bet she never has a problem with morning breath... 

And in honour of this fight against stinky breath, I have re-made the poster to a more appropriate image.

Errmahgerd... beautifully minty fresh!

And he's smooth talking her saying he would never miss a thing and says that he he has even noticed that she has small, blonde hairs on the back of her neck and again, all I can think is:

Bitch, how do you know?

HOW do you know you have blonde hairs on the back of your neck?

Do you make a habit of checking the back of your neck? How the fuck would you do that anyway? Or did you know because your hairdresser told you about them black hairs on your neck and you then had her bleach them and that look of surprise on your face is actually horror because even though you had them bleached people are still noticing them??

Just how big are the hairs anyway??

Jeepers...

And just when you're loosing focus, the husband walks in shirtless and everyone else is like: OOOOHHHH!! AAABBBSSSS.... but I'm like: why is a pharmacist so buff?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not stereotyping pharmacists but they don't NEED to be that muscular - I would understand if he was a construction worker or something but he works behind and desk and stocks shelves... Just how many muscles do you need for that? Or is it all just a publicity stunt? Dun dun DDDDUUUUNNNN!!!!

And I know I said she wasn't that bad in the beginning of the blog but who dresses Kimmie?? And what exactly does she do in the office? All we see is her walking from there to there, talk about Judith's clothes and sit at her computer. And when Judith decides that she wants a makeover, Kim can just drop everything and do it! Obviously her role there in pretty much what it is in real life: ass and tits.

Not that there is anything wrong with ass and tits - actually I am quite fond of them myself...

But femi-nazis are always on about the objectifying of women and that all men are dangerous, and that is all we see in the movie so I really don't understand why more of them haven't jumped down it's throat. It sums up everything that they consider wrong with the feminine image: girls should be pretty, guys should be rich and buy her stuff.

God, I'm so through with this movie that I don't even think nutscaping can fix it and I'm not even halfway through yet...

All the way through it, we are warned that Rich Guy is actually Dangerous Guy and yet we actually never see him be anything but nice to her until she decides to leave her husband for him and then, BOOM! Epic-dick-move activated -  but there is actually no reason for this transition. We hear that he's a bad guy but we never actually seen it until the story demands and in a movie you can tell the audience something all you want but it doesn't mean anything unless you SHOW it! And Judith realizes he is a "bad" guy when her mother THROWS herself on the floor when he snatches a laptop from her.

But asshole is asshole because plot demands...

We suddenly learn that the new worker at the pharmacy, who is definitely not attracted to Judith's husband because it is not in their character description, has HIV. Now I have to confess that I had COMPLETELY lost concentration at this point and was watching my boyfriend playing a game and I only realized that I had missed something because there was a long pause in the dialogue. Then I was like: "Wait, what?" and had to rewind the God-damn thing to find out what I'd missed and apparently whatever it is everybody's got it because Judith's husband, from name ALONE, has now figured out that Rich Guy was dating both of them and rushes to save the day. There is a trick that I feel this movie could have really benefited from and that is cutting the first and last two lines of a scene and this would have greatly helped with the flow of the movie, it would have cut to the part of the scenes when the actors were more in character and in general would have made each scene a lot shorter. This movie feels like a play but it's not strangely enough, it's actually a movie. 

Because all men are either feminists or wife-beating assholes, Rich Guy beat Judith up and has now crashed on the bed because apparently he is also a junkie. In fact he has taken so much of whatever that he doesn't even notice another man break into his house screaming and shouting, run through his bedroom and start talking to the woman in his bathroom. All throughout this scene I was wondering when Rich Guy was going to burst into the bathroom and we would have an epic boss fight but it never happened... No matter how long and loud the two in the bathroom were talking (and they talk for a really long time because the bathroom with a woman-beating, rich crack addict who probably has a team of professional lawyers on his payroll in the next room, is the most appropriate place to have a really relevant face-to-face...)

But her husband goes through the amazing character development of learning to stand up for women so yay!

And this movie ends with our marriage counselor from the beginning turning out, surprise surprise, to be Judith - what a twist, folks, WHAT A TWAT - I mean, TWIST... Because nobody saw that coming, am I right? Judith now has HIV as well, her ex-husband has his pharmacy and is living the dream with a new wife and kid. So the moral of the story everybody, is to find happiness where you are and to be true to yourself because, then, you too can own a pharmacy... 

Living the dream... Just living.... the.... dream...

So to sum it up everybody, there are no interesting shots in the entire movie, the colour palette consists of brown and different tones of brown and grand total of genuine acting moments can be summed up to one! There is one scene where the actors are actually working together is the scene where they are on the plane back from New Orleans and not even that works for the entire scene... It is just mundane and monotone. They entire thing is meant to be eye-candy and that is the only purpose it serves.

I honestly am glad that this is over and I can put this movie behind me. I genuinely felt more emotion checking out the IMDb page, than I did throughout this entire thing...

So... remember to check in next Monday and let me know if you think there are any movies that deserve to be on Nikkipek's picked movie list either let me know on here on the facebook page.

Peace out, you beautiful, hot-mess of a love machine, you!